when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
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COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one