I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.