I just tested negative for patience.
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
me when I see my crush
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change