Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean