DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
You Might Also Like
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
#MeanwhileinCanada
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.