I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.