When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
You Might Also Like
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me: