I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.