wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.