Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
This took me a second..