“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Never forget.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE