*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.