Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
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There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
the answer was staring at me all along
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
#Caturday
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*