hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Every time.
My Plans 2020
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich