I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
where the womens at?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.