My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”