A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”