Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.