There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*