the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I’m not stressed
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind