[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.