Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
You Might Also Like
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.