Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad