I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other