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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Start the year as you intend to continue.