Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.