opening twitter today
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…