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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.