The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
You Might Also Like
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times