[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it