Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what