interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.