How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
#ProTip
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
ready to be harvested