“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
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The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
This is me
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope