Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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guilty
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
i’m still crying at this
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.