My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I don’t think my car can fly
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”