I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.