I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Nothing.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.