A friend helps you before you need it
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The first matador
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
A Short Story.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin