My apartment is a mess, I should move
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.