everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.