Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
how to have fun when you’re poor
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t