are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
mood
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen