My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.