Lmfaoooooo
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Y’all know who you are.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*orders delivery*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔