[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess