Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
pizza
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently