The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
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me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.