I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.