Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
technically true but not a great slogan
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions